Waves of Faith and Doubt

In 2014 I had a peaceful vision that nourished my soul. It was as if I saw a piece of wood floating in the sea, being tossed back and forth by the waves. It was quite close to the shore and at times the waves brought the little piece in on solid ground, and in the next moment it was flushed out into the sea again. Waving back and forth. Finally a large wave came and the wood stranded so far in that it stayed there for good.

The images came with sensations and I understood that it was related to faith. It was as if the the little piece of wood was me, wavering back and forth. Each time it came onto the shore, represented a period in my life when I stood on solid ground. These were periods where I received revelations and confirmations, things made sense and I knew why I was here and what I was supposed to do in life. Each of these times I was in good faith and started “building” to get settled in my place, but each time circumstances suddenly changed and I was flushed out again into the open sea of confusion.

All my efforts seemed wasted and the meaningless waves eventually made me loose faith in the dreams that had been planted in my heart. But then, when I least expected it, a new wave pushed me back onto the shore. New ideas, new revelations and new confirmations were given to me. I started “building” and in the process I started to recall the old dreams I thought I had lost. It was the same goal and purpose as always, but from a slightly different position. I planned, worked and strived to get organized and capable of fullfilling my mission. Until a new wave crushed into the scene, shattered all efforts and flushed me out into the sea once again.

And so it kept on for literally decades, wavering between faith and doubt, clarity and confusion. A flame was ignited, and put out. Old dreams were revived, and crushed. The pattern was striking and I had to wonder.. Was I really that incompetent and useless? Were my “crazy” aspirations only foolish dreams and illusions? Did I waste my time trying to do something impossible? Or was I indeed called by God to do something specific, and fought a battle with both doubt and darkness that wanted to overcome me?

Every time I was on solid ground I KNEW with every cell in my being that THIS IS IT, this is the truth, this is how it’s supposed to be, finally I got a glimpse of reality! But what I saw was not of this world, and as soon as my logic mind and the norms of this world came along, the image I held in my heart crumbled. Still I couldn’t deny what had been planted in me, it was all too real.

And as I came to that conclusion, even in the middle of despair and confusion, a new wave, much larger than before, came and flushed me so far in on the dry land that it would be a very long time until a new wave would reach that far. I knew I had plenty of time to get organized and build a solid foundation, and I would be firmly planted with deep roots in the ground before the next wave would come. Finally, I had found my place with certainty and this time it would last!

It was not just an abstract metaphor, it was related to the creation of this website and related projects that had started to take form in my mind and heart. And ever since the project has expanded and blossomed. So to anyone that is still out in the sea of confusion, wavering between doubt and faith, revelations and attacks… believe what God has imparted to you! It is real and He will make it happen as long as you don’t give up. He will train you, refine you, strengthen you and prepare you, and every little bit of the journey will be turned to your (His) benefit in the end. Hang in there! What you’re fighting for is important!

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